SMYRNA, Ga. — Bigfoot has a busy schedule what with foraging for food, trying to avoid humans, and serving as a guest editor for Weekly World News. But he’s never too busy to go on a nice, romantic date.
Although he can roar like a mighty gorilla and hurl a boulder as if it were a football, Bigfoot is a sensitive giant who knows how to woo the ladies.
After a little coaxing, he agreed to share — in his own words — his primitive yet highly effective courting rituals.
“These good for She-Bigfoot or pretty hairless lady,” he assured us.
•“Not roar, ‘Hey! Come now!’ Say like bear cub, ‘Hey! You have smelly mate?” •“Shower long in waterfall.”•“Find big twig . . . clean ears.”•“Roll in flowers so smell good — watch out thorns.”•“Come early more better. Find stump to sit while wait.”•“Offer carry her cross bog . . . not make walk.”•“Tell lady she pretty — even if mud or squashed bugs on face.”•“Give pretty lei . . . poison ivy bad idea.”•“Take girl eat in nice field.”•“Scratch own fleas when date not look.”•“Make yummy dinner. Rabbit good, skunk bad.” •“Suck mud from water for lady.”•“Be funny like buzzard, not stupid like squirrel.”•“No lie. Lady always find out.”•“No look other ladies while date watching.”•“No squash grapes and drink.”•“Go after-dinner stroll. Watch out snakes and hunters and exes.”•“Offer shake hand end date. If she giggle, you in like Bigfoot.”•“Send candy next day. With bugs, if giggle all she do.”